She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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