i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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