Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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