Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
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long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
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