Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
