and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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