Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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