He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
