Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Randomize
