I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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