I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
