Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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