My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
