dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
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