The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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