Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
