In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
