The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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