broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
