Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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