I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
