Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
