I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
