We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
