i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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