I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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