Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I booty called her while she was in labor.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
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