she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
