so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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