why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
