omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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