So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
