I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
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Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
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I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
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