Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
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Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
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All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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