i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
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Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
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I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
sex in a hospital.. check
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
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