i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
