It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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