took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
