I don't usually arrange sex via text message
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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