I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
