Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
She told me I should be a condom model.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
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