How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
