smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
