I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
