My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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