Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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