there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
