If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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