I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
