Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
