I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
