Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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