If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
