Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
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