Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
