I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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