Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
