I skipped work to stalk him.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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