After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
